It makes me think of Mama’s house

Conversations with a five year old in general are very strange.  There are moments where they surprise you by the depths of their understanding and other times, it’s like getting to the platform to watch the train pull away.  

So my mother’s nurse said to prepare ourselves.  She said it won’t be long now.  The morphine was opened.  In the space of a week, I’ve watched my mother disappear.  Her shell is lying in her bed struggling to breathe.  She is in there somewhere behind the morphine haze.  She must be.  She summoned up enough slurred words to tell me to be quiet.  That was not too long ago when my sister-in-law tried to administer the morphine.  

Faith is a funny thing.  All you need is enough the size of a mustard seed and you can move mountains.  Hebrews 11:1 (NIV) sums it up better than I ever could, “Faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.”

I recently watched a Clint Eastwood movie called “Hereafter” which explores the concept is there something after death and offers a conclusion that there is.  This morning the first post I saw was a story about an atheist raising godless children.  I didn’t really have the energy to finish the article.  It was 5 in the morning, I’m barely awake at that time.  The only thought in my head at that hour is my commute to the gym.  Real thinking starts when I start running.  Maybe that’s why I’ve grown fond of running, it at least gives me the illusion that I can run away from thoughts.

The article made me realize that by raising godless children she was depriving her children of something very simple, hope.  The movie suggested something bigger, inexplicable awaits us when this life ends.  But as I told my son, when you invite Jesus into your heart and ask him to stay with you forever, you have the assurance that when it’s your turn to leave this world, you will get to be with him forever.  When a loved one dies in Christ, we have hope of being reunited with them again one day.

I read an article earlier today by a man whose name I can’t recall but he claims to have experienced the afterlife.  He claimed that he felt this enormous sense of all-encompassing love.  I shook my head a little.  Maybe that’s what’s given me this headache today, all these thoughts running amuck in my brain.  Where did we miss communicate to the world that God is anything but love?  We call ourselves Christians so we should at least give the world an accurate representation of Christ shouldn’t we?

So after spending a day literally crying nonstop, on and off, I finally found myself in the car with my family heading home.  My oldest seemed to have a sane moment and it seemed safe to talk to him about his grandmother.  I had explained to him during and earlier visit to see my mom that she was on hospice care.  It was to make sure that if she got sicker, she didn’t have to go to the hospital.  Did he remember the bed and all the other things the delivery people dropped off at the house?  How could he, it was a very exciting day for him the day she finally got released from the hospital.  (Ever wonder why people get released from both hospitals and prisons?)

Well the cat was out of the bag now.  We told him that she was very sick and that she wasn’t going to get better.  I think we tried (only as adults can) to simplify for him the concept of death but instead it was slowly beginning to sound too complicated.  In the end, we tried an entirely different approach.  We reminded him how much his Dida loved Jesus.  He said yes, she really loves him.  I explained that when she was his age, 5, she invited Jesus into her heart to stay.  So now that she’s really sick, and since she won’t get better, she’s going to go to heaven and be with Jesus forever.  He asked sincerely, can’t she come back?  No baby, when you go to Jesus it’s forever.  But if you invite Jesus into your heart to stay, you can be with him one day too.  He’s 5.  You have to kind of repeat yourself to make sure he not only heard you but hopefully understood as well.  To this he replied, it makes me think of Mama’s house.

We were completely stumped.  So we tried a few times to encourage him to explain himself.  He said when I think of heaven it reminds me of Mama’s house.  

Now the atheist mother raising her godless children could probably take off my head for filling my son’s head with something so fanciful or fantastical because it doesn’t prompt him to think and question.  He’s five, he’s got plenty to question already.  

I will say this in my defense, my son is very close to his grandmother.  When he finally comes to live with her next week, he will see things with his eyes that no five year old should have to see.  It will be unavoidable for him to not see her mouth open and slightly twisted as she tries to breathe.  He’s like her, he notices everything.  He will notice how labored her breathing is and how horrid is the sound of her wheezing.  The youngest will be oblivious but this experience, this loss he is about to experience will change him in ways we can’t imagine.  

What I gave him was hope.  He will have to watch her slip away from him and there will be a void in his life shaped like her.  I still miss my Dida and she was sick with Alzheimer for over a decade before passing away.  To this day I think of her.  Even as I was fixing the bed in the spare room upstairs for my Aunt’s visit I thought of her and how she taught me to make hospital bed.  I shared with him the hope that I have, the hope that has held me up even as the very ground beneath my feet has slowly crumbled away.  I gave him a piece of my faith.

Someone once remarked how am I so humble?  I’m not humble, just humbled by God’s grace.  If I had lost her suddenly, I don’t imagine that I would have been able to get up off the floor much less breathe.  But I have been given two months to grieve.  Every step of the way, God has whispered in my ears.  He had brought people into my life and the lives of my family in this time of our need.  And we have relied on the kindness of strangers.

I think of the nurses at the hospital who cared for her.  The EMTs who brought her home.  This is a woman of God and the light in her shone the brightest I have ever seen.  Amidst this tragedy, I have seen God’s hand draw together and bind the hearts of this family even tighter together.  He has given me an opportunity to show my true colors by opening my parents’ eyes and letting them see me as I am.  I am not the person I used to be two months ago.  I don’t think I can ever be that person.  

I think of my sister-in-law.  How perfect is God’s timing?  How perfect is this woman that God brought into our lives?  She’s a nurse and her presence has been a source of reassurance for my dad when the hospice nurse makes her weekly visit.  God is taking her home but he gave her son the heart of a loving wife to call home and find comfort in.  As I’m preparing to say good-bye to my mother, I am grateful that God brought into my life a sister.  I never realized how much I would need her.  You’ll never convince me that’s random, eHarmony or no harmony!

I think of my cousin the doctor.  The path he has taken to get to where he is was unorthodox perhaps but in that hospital room I saw the physician he will one day become.  I saw glimmer of his father in him.  And I remember my uncle as a truly remarkable doctor the few times I went to see him for various medical related things.  He didn’t have to, but he stayed with her and I know that his presence in the hospital went a long way to putting her at ease for having to stay there.   

I think of my co-workers, the one that held me while I cried like an insane person and the one who let me just talk because it’s hard not to talk.  I’m sorry when you come back from vacation I might have bad news rather than good.  But thank you, for your compassion.

We left our home and church over 2 and a half decade ago and moved to a foreign land.  All we had, were each other.  We were turned aside by family members in the name of religion.  Yes, I know hard to believe but did you know that the church in Bangladesh where I grew up actually banned my dad from having anything to do with its members?  It was painful but then I see how God has kept us from harm and covered us and moved us through some amazing blessings.  

I got to witness the face of true love.  As I watch my dad take care of her, I am deeply moved by the love that I see pouring out from him for her.  Those moments when she is not in discomfort, I have seen glimpse of the depth of her love for him.  I’ve gained understanding that I lacked before.  I’m still understanding or trying to figure it all out.  Maybe that’s what I’m trying to do.  

But I will admit to this, Christ has been the rock beneath my feet, the only solid ground upon which I have been standing.  Everything around me is only sinking sand and he has yet to let go of me or my family.  With every breath in my body, I will give thanks to God above.  Even amidst all this, I have hope and it’s eternal.  One day I will see my mother again and I will get to abide forever in the arms of Jesus.  

As my father has already said, in the meantime, we will cry as we must.  We must let her go because she is no longer ours to keep.  God has given us more than enough time to say our good-byes.  Go mom, just let go and go home to be with your father in heaven.  I’m ready to let you go.  Thank you for the love you gave me.  I’m just sorry you’ll never find out about my blog or get to yell at me for putting your business all out there over the internet.  Or that you’ll never get read a single word I’ve said thus far.  

I’ll love you forever crazy lady.  My God, I’m going to miss you!