Choosing to Let Go…

Life doesn’t not wait but it ever marches forward to a beat that matches the rhythm of the living heart.  The dead do not care, they do not dream, they simply sleep an eternal slumber.  If faith in Christ gives us anything it is hope that one day this hollow pain we feel, this thorn in our flesh that reminds us of our loss, will one day end and we will see those who have gone before.  So the choice is clear isn’t it?  Or at least it should be, maybe.  It’s been months and here I stand at yet another crossroad.  Like petals torn from a flower, it’s time to let them go and watch the wind sweep them out of your hand.  The flower is dead.  You ripped it off.  The petals would have fallen off with time anyway.  But at least for a moment, you held it in your hand, smelled its fragrance, taking in its beauty in wonder.  Now it’s time to let it go and walk away.

Perhaps the most powerful realization we can have is that of free will.  I am not burying my pain.  I have embraced it.  I am not ignoring my loss and letting it fester like a deep wound inside of me.  I acknowledge that it has healed and there are scar tissues that has formed in its wake.  I will feel them when I least expect it.  It’s a reminder that I am still alive.  I get to choose how I will live my life, if I will live at all.

I have keenly felt this medical history that has been handed to me without so much a by your leave.  I do wonder if I will be struck down in similar fashion in the future.  Will cancer kill me or will dementia make me forget all the wonders of my life?  Perhaps God allows the storms of life to come so that we can learn to be still and acknowledge that he is still the God upon the throne.  It feels as if everything in my life is coming to a headlong collision all at the same time and the biggest obstacle at the head of this brigade is my loss, specially since tomorrow is Mother’s Day.  I keep thinking, maybe, just maybe if I can get through this then I will be fine. 

I read two articles today, one written by a mother and another written by a father.  They were both about the loss of a child.  These articles reminded me how close I came to losing my own son on the day he was born.  My mother’s cry of anguish still echo in my ears as I remember by body finally expelling this wrinkly purple looking child after over twenty hours of labor.  He didn’t cry.  His father’s face broke as he kept saying this wasn’t how it was supposed to happen.  I remember only this absolute peace that everything was going to be just fine.  He wasn’t breathing.

I knew something was wrong because my midwife called the ambulance.  One of the other midwife actually got to the Birthing Center before the ambulance.  His father would later tell me of singing Amazing Grace to our son.  Before they took my baby to NICU, the midwife brought him to me so I could kiss him good-bye.  I forgot that my mother was there or anyone else and I just saw this perfectly pink little boy and he was really quite beautiful.  I didn’t get to hold my son until the day after he was born.  He was so tiny but the moment I had him in my arms I knew I would never be the same.  He changed me.  He made me a mother.

Today I am choosing to take off my hat.  I will stop straining to hear the faint echo of the word “daughter” from the past.  I will stop being angry as my anger doesn’t serve any purpose but to steal from me moments in the present.  I told her I am letting her go so today I am doing just that.  I am leaving behind the daughter and embracing the mother.  This is who I am.  I am a mother.  I don’t need a day to remind me of what I have lost or one to celebrate who I am.

All I need is this immense gratitude that I had an amazing mother who loved me the same way I am now privileged to love my sons.  One day it will be my turn to step into the doorway of eternity.  When that time comes, I will leave them behind but until then, I can’t be distracted by grief.  I need to love them as much as I can, while I have the time.  I will be with her again.  Until then, I’m here, so I’m choosing to let her go and move on with my life.  I need to.  It’s about time.  

My IT Moment

So we have taken the concept of positive thinking and attitude to a whole new level since my other half’s car accident.  As my 5 year old and I head out to the car, his father sees us to the door and together we recite Psalm 118:24.  “This is the day the Lord has made; We will rejoice and be glad in it.”  (NKJV).  When we get into the car, my son’s godfather, who has been a heaven sent blessing taking him to and picking him up from school also recites this verse with us before we say a quick prayer heading off into our day.  Words in general have enormous power. 

When my husband was in a car accident earlier this year, January 24^th to be exact, the verse he couldn't escape was James 1:2-3.  “Consider it pure joy…whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.”  (NIV).  Usually these days the reaction most people have to our family is “OMG, you guys just can’t catch a break.”  Yeah sometimes it does feel like that.  If it’s not a person then it’s something or other that’s usually going wrong.  But I have to say, that verse did give us both pause.  

It’s hard not to listen when God speaks specially when your arm is broken and four of your ribs are cracked.  The road thus far hasn't been easy.  I won’t bore you with the details because to be honest, the shorter version of this story is the one that has any meaning at all if any.  We've managed with help from family and friends to get here.  But this story isn't really about me or us.  If my mother was here this is the story I would be sharing with her excitedly.  She would get it, and marvel at it with me. 

Jesus said to his disciples in Mark 10:14-15 “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. ¹⁵ Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” (NIV)  Lately my 5 year old has been very intrigued about Sunday school, the Bible for Kids app on my tablet, and Chris Tomlin’s song, “Whom Shall I Fear.”  Not sure how the 5 year old mind works so far be it for me to deny him when he wants to go to Sunday school or do his Bible for Kids app or listen to that song for the 1000^th time. 

He’s been on the precipice of something and I wasn't quite sure what exactly.  I was eager to get him to salvation and accepting Christ.  His father pointed out that salvation is more than just saying what is called the “sinner’s prayer” in Christian circles.  It’s a point of acceptance at the wonder of who God is.  It’s that moment when you realize that you are loved by this amazing God so much that He sent His son to die in your place. 

So did we try to explain this to our son?  Yes of course, since the moment he was old enough to ask about the whole Easter business.  That was a few years ago.  He was quite young and I’m not really sure what his 3 year old brain thought about such things.  Earlier this evening, I had a choice to make.  As my father and sister-in-law headed off to the Friday night prayer service at our church I had to decide whether or not it would be worth my while to go to church today.  After all I have made this renewed commitment to seek after Him whom my heart loves beyond all else. 

I was tired and feeling lazy.  After everything else, I really just wanted to head over to the diner and hang out with my family.  Which is what we ended up doing.  Then something amazing happened.  It was so subtle, that I could have missed it if I had blinked. 

Christopher:  Daddy do you know what would make God really sad?

Daddy:  What?

Christopher:  If you said “I don’t love you God.”

Me:  That is true.

Christopher:  I will never say that, because I love Him so much.

Breathe my heart.  Inhale, exhale.  As Jesus said to his disciples when they tried to turn the little children away, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. ¹⁵ Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.”  Mark 10:14-15 (NIV)

If I had to do it all again, I would, in a heartbeat oh God.  You have made me glad.  The sorrow will last for the night because as you promised, my joy will come in the morning.  How can I have anything but joy as I face these trials set before me?  I know you are with me every step of the way.  Where ever I go, you will never leave me or forsake me.  How can I regret anything in my life when you have showered me with such abundant beauty and grace? 

I sat there and finished my dinner.  Tonight was a moment, I never want to forget.  We make choices in life.  I chose not to go into his house tonight but to spend it with my son.  Because of that choice, I got to witness that moment in my son’s life where his young heart was handed over to Christ.  I could hear his name being etched into the Lamb’s book of life.  Maybe I didn't get a lot of things right in my life.  But at least God has allowed me to get this far with amazing grace and mercy. 

That was so my IT moment!

Birthdays in Memorium

So today I turn 37.  That brings me 3 years closer to 40.  Good grief.  I am getting old and I can actually hear my biological clock ticking.  Never thought I’d ever say those words. 

My 1st birthday

Five years ago I realized that birthdays are significant to two people.  Obviously it's important to the person whose birthday it is but it's also a very important day for the woman who gave birth to that person.  I spent my 33rd birthday with my mother at the hospital while she was waiting to have an operation that would remove the tumors they found in her colon.  I walked into her room and the first thing she said to me was happy birthday.  Then she apologized for being in the hospital for my birthday.  It's then that I realized that this day was a shared experience for us both.  This day marked the day her life changed and she became a mother.  I was the one who changed her into a mother.  This was our day. 

My 3rd birthday

My 5th birthday (my brother sharing it with us in utero)

So today I remember the woman who's no longer on this earth.  She the one who brought me into this world and loved me from the moment I drew my first breath and she drew her last.  Mom, I haven't got enough to words to express how much I miss you today.  Here's to the beginning of a lifetime of birthdays without you.  

Maybe my 6th birthday

Could be my 7th birthday

An open letter...

….to you whom I have loved your whole life.  I have always held you dear to my heart.  I have worried for you, cared for you, fought with you, but through it all, I have always loved you fiercely with a blind loyalty that I hope you can always depend upon.  From the moment I realized that you were mine, I have cared for you with a love that knows no limit.  You will always have my love.

I write this with tears in my eyes because my hurt is deep.  I have thought long and hard before sitting down to scribe these words.  Consider this my New Year’s gift to you.  Do with them as you will.

You have disappointed me.  Perhaps because I love you, I expected more from you.  When did you stop being that person who actually knew me?  When did you grow into this person who has turned a blind eye to the world around you?  I have taken pride in the path that you have walked because every milestone that you’ve overcome is an achievement, a testament to your character, to the person you have yet to be.

I know you the year you have left behind was the hardest of your life.  No one will ever love you quite the way the one you lost.  You are loved.  That you need never doubt.  You’ve grown up.  You’ve had to.  Did you want to?  Did anyone ask if you wanted to grow up this way?  I’m not asking, I’m just wondering if you allowed that little kid within you to protest. 

Life is fleeting.  Perhaps this is more reason to stop and ponder along the journey.  You’ve chosen to pursue God.  Have you asked yourself why?  More importantly, have you answered whether or not you’re willing to pay the cost that comes with pursuing Him?  I’ve walked this path you’re now walking.  I’ve endured pain you can’t comprehend.  But through it all, I never once lost sight of my first love or that everything has always been about the pursuit of Him, who first loved me.  I’m not explaining myself to you.  I don’t owe you an explanation.  

Life is a gift.  The sorrow, the pain, the hardship, they are equally important as the joy, contentment, and peace every believer seeks.  Are you going through the motions or are you living?  Following Christ is a choice.  It’s a choice to live a life that sets you apart from everyone else.  It’s not about drawing lines in the sand or building walls to keep yourself separate from those whose walk may not be the same as yours.  Not everyone walks.  Some require assistance from canes, prosthesis, or wheels.  Are you separating yourself or are you part of the human race that is His creation?  Have you taken the moment to love the least of His creatures?  Have you embraced those who are lost and given them hope?  Have you given love to someone who is less fortunate than you?  Are you a servant of your Master?

Love is free.  What have you done, whom my heart loved all your life to make another feel loved?  You’ve given to charity and you’ve toiled to serve others.  But has your very life made a difference in the life of another?  You spoke very eloquently of a woman who loved the flowers in her garden.  So I ask you, how will you live your life?  Will you be a tribute that will honor the memory of your gardener or will you simply go through the motions?  

I have watched you and waited.  I had hoped that perhaps there is more substance and it is merely hidden because you’re in pain.  It takes courage to look in the mirror and see the ugly face of your naked grief.  I should know, I started at it.  It takes great endurance to get up and keep getting up.  It takes wisdom to accept your brokenness and embrace it.  I’m not offering an explanation.  I’ve said this before.  I just wanted to say to you, that you have disappointed me.  You’ve had an opportunity to make a difference but you’ve missed it.  

Grief is a funny thing so I can forgive your thoughtlessness.  But I can’t ignore how much my disappointment in you pains me.  I’m not used to being disappointed by you.  I expected more from you than superficiality.  I had hoped better for you, that you would one day be someone who would change the world simply by being in it.  I hope you find the ability to dream again.  You appear to have forgotten.  Life is more than simply existing.  Don’t discount my love.  One day, it too will be gone.