An open letter...

….to you whom I have loved your whole life.  I have always held you dear to my heart.  I have worried for you, cared for you, fought with you, but through it all, I have always loved you fiercely with a blind loyalty that I hope you can always depend upon.  From the moment I realized that you were mine, I have cared for you with a love that knows no limit.  You will always have my love.

I write this with tears in my eyes because my hurt is deep.  I have thought long and hard before sitting down to scribe these words.  Consider this my New Year’s gift to you.  Do with them as you will.

You have disappointed me.  Perhaps because I love you, I expected more from you.  When did you stop being that person who actually knew me?  When did you grow into this person who has turned a blind eye to the world around you?  I have taken pride in the path that you have walked because every milestone that you’ve overcome is an achievement, a testament to your character, to the person you have yet to be.

I know you the year you have left behind was the hardest of your life.  No one will ever love you quite the way the one you lost.  You are loved.  That you need never doubt.  You’ve grown up.  You’ve had to.  Did you want to?  Did anyone ask if you wanted to grow up this way?  I’m not asking, I’m just wondering if you allowed that little kid within you to protest. 

Life is fleeting.  Perhaps this is more reason to stop and ponder along the journey.  You’ve chosen to pursue God.  Have you asked yourself why?  More importantly, have you answered whether or not you’re willing to pay the cost that comes with pursuing Him?  I’ve walked this path you’re now walking.  I’ve endured pain you can’t comprehend.  But through it all, I never once lost sight of my first love or that everything has always been about the pursuit of Him, who first loved me.  I’m not explaining myself to you.  I don’t owe you an explanation.  

Life is a gift.  The sorrow, the pain, the hardship, they are equally important as the joy, contentment, and peace every believer seeks.  Are you going through the motions or are you living?  Following Christ is a choice.  It’s a choice to live a life that sets you apart from everyone else.  It’s not about drawing lines in the sand or building walls to keep yourself separate from those whose walk may not be the same as yours.  Not everyone walks.  Some require assistance from canes, prosthesis, or wheels.  Are you separating yourself or are you part of the human race that is His creation?  Have you taken the moment to love the least of His creatures?  Have you embraced those who are lost and given them hope?  Have you given love to someone who is less fortunate than you?  Are you a servant of your Master?

Love is free.  What have you done, whom my heart loved all your life to make another feel loved?  You’ve given to charity and you’ve toiled to serve others.  But has your very life made a difference in the life of another?  You spoke very eloquently of a woman who loved the flowers in her garden.  So I ask you, how will you live your life?  Will you be a tribute that will honor the memory of your gardener or will you simply go through the motions?  

I have watched you and waited.  I had hoped that perhaps there is more substance and it is merely hidden because you’re in pain.  It takes courage to look in the mirror and see the ugly face of your naked grief.  I should know, I started at it.  It takes great endurance to get up and keep getting up.  It takes wisdom to accept your brokenness and embrace it.  I’m not offering an explanation.  I’ve said this before.  I just wanted to say to you, that you have disappointed me.  You’ve had an opportunity to make a difference but you’ve missed it.  

Grief is a funny thing so I can forgive your thoughtlessness.  But I can’t ignore how much my disappointment in you pains me.  I’m not used to being disappointed by you.  I expected more from you than superficiality.  I had hoped better for you, that you would one day be someone who would change the world simply by being in it.  I hope you find the ability to dream again.  You appear to have forgotten.  Life is more than simply existing.  Don’t discount my love.  One day, it too will be gone.