I’ve spent
a good part of 2014 stating how I can’t wait to shake the dust off my feet once
this year finally ends and with plenty of good reason I might add. But as
hindsight is 20/20 and I am able to look back at 2014 with far more clarity
than I had going into it. For me 2014
was filled with new experiences. On last
New Year’s Eve I crashed a wedding with my best friend, enjoyed Haitian New
Year’s traditions, and in general had a wonderful time with someone other than
my immediate family. It was the first
year I spent away from my family. I
video chatted with my other half and sons and later I talked to my mother on
the phone. I actually missed her
considering how tense our relationship had grown only a few weeks earlier. Now I wonder if perhaps that New Year’s Eve
was a blessing in disguise. This will be
my second New Year’s Eve without my mother.
In a way, not spending it with her again this year doesn’t seem to have affected
me over much. Or perhaps I’m speaking
far too soon. The night is young
still.
It’s nearly
midnight where I am. Well, at least an
hour and a half more to go until midnight.
I missed my friend earlier and started thinking about my last New Year’s
Eve. It occurred to me then that as
painful as 2014 was, it gave me a lot for which I’m grateful. I am grateful that I am alive to see another
year. Three women I loved dearly did not
make it to the end. As difficult the
losses were for me, I am still standing on my own two feet, barely at
that.
2014 showed
me the depth of my strength. I have
taken hits after hits this year and now that the year is finally nearing the
end, I am surprised to find myself still in ring, ready for the next
round. It has taught me to love the
broken fractured version of me. I have
learned to tolerate my weakness and see in it strength that comes through
endurance. As I bit 2014 adieu, I am
unafraid to look at the woman in the mirror.
In a way, I find that I even admire her.
There are no artifice about her.
She’s simply a woman who’s completely at ease in her own skin. 2014 made me realize that I am she and I am
actually ok with that.
As this
year ends, I bid it farewell, like to an old friend or lover who is leaving my
life for good. As the poet said, “it is
better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all.” I have loved this year despite my best effort
to hate it. I must swallow the
bitterness it has brought if I am to savor its many sweetness. As I await the arrival of 2015, I find myself
awaiting it with determination and resolve.
It is a new chapter still waiting to be written. I am the author and the story this coming
year will tell will be of my choosing.
2014 was
the year of pain, or agony. It was the
year of my birth, in a manner of speaking.
It was the year I lost my mother and discovered the woman in the grown
up version of her daughter. Maybe when
she said she saw the change in me, she was finally seeing what I see now, who I
have always been beneath the shadow of the girl I once knew. I think maybe I finally grew up or as a
Pastor once said, I became more myself.
All I know
is, 2015 is coming. Not for nothing, I’m
going to do it my way. It’s time I
stopped pretending that I ever did anything any way but mine. An old dog doesn’t learn new tricks and you
can tell yourself the same lie only so many times. So it’s time to tell the truth. I’m not changing. I am me and this is the only version of
myself I’m interest in being. To quote
the poet “love me or hate me, both are in my favor. If you love me, I’ll always be in your
heart. If you hate me, I’ll always be on
your mind.” I can live with that.
So thank
you, 2014 for imparting a valuable lesson to me in self-love. Just because I’m grateful for everything you’ve
poured into my life, doesn’t mean I’m sorry to see you go. From me to you, thanks for hanging in there
with me this past year. Here’s to hoping
a prosperous and another happy New Year.
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