Friday, March 27, 2015

My IT Moment

So we have taken the concept of positive thinking and attitude to a whole new level since my other half’s car accident.  As my 5 year old and I head out to the car, his father sees us to the door and together we recite Psalm 118:24.  “This is the day the Lord has made; We will rejoice and be glad in it.”  (NKJV).  When we get into the car, my son’s godfather, who has been a heaven sent blessing taking him to and picking him up from school also recites this verse with us before we say a quick prayer heading off into our day.  Words in general have enormous power. 

When my husband was in a car accident earlier this year, January 24th to be exact, the verse he couldn't escape was James 1:2-3.  “Consider it pure joy…whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.”  (NIV).  Usually these days the reaction most people have to our family is “OMG, you guys just can’t catch a break.”  Yeah sometimes it does feel like that.  If it’s not a person then it’s something or other that’s usually going wrong.  But I have to say, that verse did give us both pause.  

It’s hard not to listen when God speaks specially when your arm is broken and four of your ribs are cracked.  The road thus far hasn't been easy.  I won’t bore you with the details because to be honest, the shorter version of this story is the one that has any meaning at all if any.  We've managed with help from family and friends to get here.  But this story isn't really about me or us.  If my mother was here this is the story I would be sharing with her excitedly.  She would get it, and marvel at it with me. 

Jesus said to his disciples in Mark 10:14-15 “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. 15 Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” (NIV)  Lately my 5 year old has been very intrigued about Sunday school, the Bible for Kids app on my tablet, and Chris Tomlin’s song, “Whom Shall I Fear.”  Not sure how the 5 year old mind works so far be it for me to deny him when he wants to go to Sunday school or do his Bible for Kids app or listen to that song for the 1000th time. 

He’s been on the precipice of something and I wasn't quite sure what exactly.  I was eager to get him to salvation and accepting Christ.  His father pointed out that salvation is more than just saying what is called the “sinner’s prayer” in Christian circles.  It’s a point of acceptance at the wonder of who God is.  It’s that moment when you realize that you are loved by this amazing God so much that He sent His son to die in your place. 

So did we try to explain this to our son?  Yes of course, since the moment he was old enough to ask about the whole Easter business.  That was a few years ago.  He was quite young and I’m not really sure what his 3 year old brain thought about such things.  Earlier this evening, I had a choice to make.  As my father and sister-in-law headed off to the Friday night prayer service at our church I had to decide whether or not it would be worth my while to go to church today.  After all I have made this renewed commitment to seek after Him whom my heart loves beyond all else. 

I was tired and feeling lazy.  After everything else, I really just wanted to head over to the diner and hang out with my family.  Which is what we ended up doing.  Then something amazing happened.  It was so subtle, that I could have missed it if I had blinked. 

Christopher:  Daddy do you know what would make God really sad?
Daddy:  What?
Christopher:  If you said “I don’t love you God.”
Me:  That is true.
Christopher:  I will never say that, because I love Him so much.

Breathe my heart.  Inhale, exhale.  As Jesus said to his disciples when they tried to turn the little children away, Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. 15 Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.”  Mark 10:14-15 (NIV)

If I had to do it all again, I would, in a heartbeat oh God.  You have made me glad.  The sorrow will last for the night because as you promised, my joy will come in the morning.  How can I have anything but joy as I face these trials set before me?  I know you are with me every step of the way.  Where ever I go, you will never leave me or forsake me.  How can I regret anything in my life when you have showered me with such abundant beauty and grace? 

I sat there and finished my dinner.  Tonight was a moment, I never want to forget.  We make choices in life.  I chose not to go into his house tonight but to spend it with my son.  Because of that choice, I got to witness that moment in my son’s life where his young heart was handed over to Christ.  I could hear his name being etched into the Lamb’s book of life.  Maybe I didn't get a lot of things right in my life.  But at least God has allowed me to get this far with amazing grace and mercy. 

That was so my IT moment!

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Birthdays in Memorium


So today I turn 37.  That brings me 3 years closer to 40.  Good grief.  I am getting old and I can actually hear my biological clock ticking.  Never thought I’d ever say those words. 

My 1st birthday
Five years ago I realized that birthdays are significant to two people.  Obviously it's important to the person whose birthday it is but it's also a very important day for the woman who gave birth to that person.  I spent my 33rd birthday with my mother at the hospital while she was waiting to have an operation that would remove the tumors they found in her colon.  I walked into her room and the first thing she said to me was happy birthday.  Then she apologized for being in the hospital for my birthday.  It's then that I realized that this day was a shared experience for us both.  This day marked the day her life changed and she became a mother.  I was the one who changed her into a mother.  This was our day. 
My 3rd birthday
My 5th birthday (my brother sharing it with us in utero)
So today I remember the woman who's no longer on this earth.  She the one who brought me into this world and loved me from the moment I drew my first breath and she drew her last.  Mom, I haven't got enough to words to express how much I miss you today.  Here's to the beginning of a lifetime of birthdays without you.  
Maybe my 6th birthday
Could be my 7th birthday















Thursday, January 1, 2015

An open letter...



….to you whom I have loved your whole life.  I have always held you dear to my heart.  I have worried for you, cared for you, fought with you, but through it all, I have always loved you fiercely with a blind loyalty that I hope you can always depend upon.  From the moment I realized that you were mine, I have cared for you with a love that knows no limit.  You will always have my love.

I write this with tears in my eyes because my hurt is deep.  I have thought long and hard before sitting down to scribe these words.  Consider this my New Year’s gift to you.  Do with them as you will.

You have disappointed me.  Perhaps because I love you, I expected more from you.  When did you stop being that person who actually knew me?  When did you grow into this person who has turned a blind eye to the world around you?  I have taken pride in the path that you have walked because every milestone that you’ve overcome is an achievement, a testament to your character, to the person you have yet to be.

I know you the year you have left behind was the hardest of your life.  No one will ever love you quite the way the one you lost.  You are loved.  That you need never doubt.  You’ve grown up.  You’ve had to.  Did you want to?  Did anyone ask if you wanted to grow up this way?  I’m not asking, I’m just wondering if you allowed that little kid within you to protest. 

Life is fleeting.  Perhaps this is more reason to stop and ponder along the journey.  You’ve chosen to pursue God.  Have you asked yourself why?  More importantly, have you answered whether or not you’re willing to pay the cost that comes with pursuing Him?  I’ve walked this path you’re now walking.  I’ve endured pain you can’t comprehend.  But through it all, I never once lost sight of my first love or that everything has always been about the pursuit of Him, who first loved me.  I’m not explaining myself to you.  I don’t owe you an explanation.  

Life is a gift.  The sorrow, the pain, the hardship, they are equally important as the joy, contentment, and peace every believer seeks.  Are you going through the motions or are you living?  Following Christ is a choice.  It’s a choice to live a life that sets you apart from everyone else.  It’s not about drawing lines in the sand or building walls to keep yourself separate from those whose walk may not be the same as yours.  Not everyone walks.  Some require assistance from canes, prosthesis, or wheels.  Are you separating yourself or are you part of the human race that is His creation?  Have you taken the moment to love the least of His creatures?  Have you embraced those who are lost and given them hope?  Have you given love to someone who is less fortunate than you?  Are you a servant of your Master?

Love is free.  What have you done, whom my heart loved all your life to make another feel loved?  You’ve given to charity and you’ve toiled to serve others.  But has your very life made a difference in the life of another?  You spoke very eloquently of a woman who loved the flowers in her garden.  So I ask you, how will you live your life?  Will you be a tribute that will honor the memory of your gardener or will you simply go through the motions?  

I have watched you and waited.  I had hoped that perhaps there is more substance and it is merely hidden because you’re in pain.  It takes courage to look in the mirror and see the ugly face of your naked grief.  I should know, I started at it.  It takes great endurance to get up and keep getting up.  It takes wisdom to accept your brokenness and embrace it.  I’m not offering an explanation.  I’ve said this before.  I just wanted to say to you, that you have disappointed me.  You’ve had an opportunity to make a difference but you’ve missed it.  

Grief is a funny thing so I can forgive your thoughtlessness.  But I can’t ignore how much my disappointment in you pains me.  I’m not used to being disappointed by you.  I expected more from you than superficiality.  I had hoped better for you, that you would one day be someone who would change the world simply by being in it.  I hope you find the ability to dream again.  You appear to have forgotten.  Life is more than simply existing.  Don’t discount my love.  One day, it too will be gone. 

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

And a happy new year to you too!!



I’ve spent a good part of 2014 stating how I can’t wait to shake the dust off my feet once this year finally ends and with plenty of good reason I might add. But as hindsight is 20/20 and I am able to look back at 2014 with far more clarity than I had going into it.  For me 2014 was filled with new experiences.  On last New Year’s Eve I crashed a wedding with my best friend, enjoyed Haitian New Year’s traditions, and in general had a wonderful time with someone other than my immediate family.  It was the first year I spent away from my family.  I video chatted with my other half and sons and later I talked to my mother on the phone.  I actually missed her considering how tense our relationship had grown only a few weeks earlier.  Now I wonder if perhaps that New Year’s Eve was a blessing in disguise.  This will be my second New Year’s Eve without my mother.  In a way, not spending it with her again this year doesn’t seem to have affected me over much.  Or perhaps I’m speaking far too soon.  The night is young still. 

It’s nearly midnight where I am.  Well, at least an hour and a half more to go until midnight.  I missed my friend earlier and started thinking about my last New Year’s Eve.  It occurred to me then that as painful as 2014 was, it gave me a lot for which I’m grateful.  I am grateful that I am alive to see another year.  Three women I loved dearly did not make it to the end.  As difficult the losses were for me, I am still standing on my own two feet, barely at that.  

2014 showed me the depth of my strength.  I have taken hits after hits this year and now that the year is finally nearing the end, I am surprised to find myself still in ring, ready for the next round.  It has taught me to love the broken fractured version of me.  I have learned to tolerate my weakness and see in it strength that comes through endurance.  As I bit 2014 adieu, I am unafraid to look at the woman in the mirror.  In a way, I find that I even admire her.  There are no artifice about her.  She’s simply a woman who’s completely at ease in her own skin.  2014 made me realize that I am she and I am actually ok with that.  

As this year ends, I bid it farewell, like to an old friend or lover who is leaving my life for good.  As the poet said, “it is better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all.”  I have loved this year despite my best effort to hate it.  I must swallow the bitterness it has brought if I am to savor its many sweetness.  As I await the arrival of 2015, I find myself awaiting it with determination and resolve.  It is a new chapter still waiting to be written.  I am the author and the story this coming year will tell will be of my choosing.  

2014 was the year of pain, or agony.  It was the year of my birth, in a manner of speaking.  It was the year I lost my mother and discovered the woman in the grown up version of her daughter.  Maybe when she said she saw the change in me, she was finally seeing what I see now, who I have always been beneath the shadow of the girl I once knew.  I think maybe I finally grew up or as a Pastor once said, I became more myself.  

All I know is, 2015 is coming.  Not for nothing, I’m going to do it my way.  It’s time I stopped pretending that I ever did anything any way but mine.  An old dog doesn’t learn new tricks and you can tell yourself the same lie only so many times.  So it’s time to tell the truth.  I’m not changing.  I am me and this is the only version of myself I’m interest in being.  To quote the poet “love me or hate me, both are in my favor.  If you love me, I’ll always be in your heart.  If you hate me, I’ll always be on your mind.”  I can live with that.  

So thank you, 2014 for imparting a valuable lesson to me in self-love.  Just because I’m grateful for everything you’ve poured into my life, doesn’t mean I’m sorry to see you go.  From me to you, thanks for hanging in there with me this past year.  Here’s to hoping a prosperous and another happy New Year.