I woke up
this morning missing you. My morning
started in tears. I couldn’t stop them
if I tried. I have never experienced
this fathomless void that seems to exist inside of me. My only consolations seems to come from the words
that appear on the screen as if by typing them into existence, I can slowly
allow some of this grief to bleed out of me. Funny how I remembered this song just in that moment when my grief was so overwhelmingly great.
I never realized
how much of me is from you. My words are
my only source of solace. The words of
others seem to just fall against the surface of my conscious and settle around
me like the perpetual dust cloud that exists around Pig Pen from the
Peanuts. There are people in your house. I saw a face appear from memory today. It was a face I hadn’t seen in a very long
time. Somehow, the way he materialized,
your cousin, just broke me in two.
Dad said to
get ready for your memorial service. He’s
busy making preparations for your final arrangements. I’ve got nothing. I can’t even go to see you put into the ground
at your final resting place. I’m going
to ask Dad to build a prayer garden by your final resting place. Grace Cottage should have a prayer
garden. Maybe one day I can go see your
house and take your grandsons there. I
wish I could have gone with you. I
really wanted to you know.
Life will
never be the same. All these wonderful
people move about your house taking care of us.
They are so wonderful. Kakima is
doing a great job taking care of all of us.
My son told me today in church that he already knows you’re not in
church today because you’re in heaven. He then took my face in his hands and looked
me straight in the face and said to me that one day I’ll get to see my mom and
then I’ll get to be with her forever.
We were
never the hugging kind. But I would give
anything to feel your presence next to mine.
Or even in the same room as you.
How is it possible to hurt this much and does it ever stop? I was ok yesterday. I was happy.
How am I crippled today by this grief I can’t contain? I’ve taken to hiding in the bathroom, away
from everyone just so I can be alone with my computer. I have to give it up soon so your son-in-law
can design your memorial service slides.
I’m glad
that God gave you me for a mother. I
just wish He’d give me something to help me get through this grief. I chose your casket, your flower arrangements,
your clothing, your prayer cards, but I won’t see you put away into the
ground. I can’t. I saw them take away your body. I know you weren’t in it anymore. Your spirit was gone. And I am alone. That is the greatest tragedy of my life.
You know,
last night I tried to explain something to Dad.
I don’t know if he got it. I
think you’re the only one who understood.
It’s as if for the last two and a half months a doorway to heaven was
open and you had been standing in the doorway.
The presence of God had to be very powerful around you because in your
weakened state, I saw you minister to everyone around you. For those moments, I got to be your armour
bearer. You drew your strength from
me. I don’t care if no one believes me,
I was there, and I know what happened between us.
When I left
you at midnight, you were nearly gone weren’t you? The essence of you had already left your body. When I came back, after your passing, it
felts as if that doorway that had been open for two and a half months was
closed shut. I felt like those foolish
virgins in that bible parable. The
bridegroom was gone. I’m not sure what I
miss the most, you or the presence of God that you carried all your life.
“I know who
goes before me
I know who stands
behind
The God of Angel
Armies is always by side
The One who
reigns forever
He is a friend
of mine
The God of Angel
Armies is always by side”
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